he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
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That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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