you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
