Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
