The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Congratulations! We have a period
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