I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize