Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
