Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
