I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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