Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
