As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
