everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
