One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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