Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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