i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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