You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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