im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
