you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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