He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
