I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
