Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
