the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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