On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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