She's JV to your varsity
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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