Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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