My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
