After last night, I could never be a politician.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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