I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
