If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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