The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My day in three words: secret purse cake
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Shame - the story of my life.
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