First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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