dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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