I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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