I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
