i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
