It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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