Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
