I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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