It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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