i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He passed out mid-signature
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
