why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
