nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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