Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
