You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
