The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Is it because I queefed?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
