the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
