It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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