Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
