He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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