This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
