I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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