so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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