I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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