he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
