i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
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