i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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