If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
